The Parenting Time “Refuse / Resist Dynamic”

It’s not necessarily unusual for children, if given a choice, to prefer to spend more time with one parent than the other.  This may not be much of an issue when the parents are together, but may become more of an issue when the parents separate and the child refuses to spend (or wishes to spend only limited) time with one parent. This may cause one parent to blame the other of “parental alienation”. But is this the only reason a child wants to spend limited or no time with one parent? Not really.

“Parental Estrangement” vs. “Parental Alienation”  

In previous articles we discussed the distinction between “parental alienation” and “parental estrangement” as to why a child may prefer to spend more time with one parent than the other. “Parental estrangement” is where a child (for certain reasons such as age, gender, common-interests, etc.) naturally prefers to spend more time with one parent than the other. “Parental alienation” (or “Parental Alienation Syndrome”), on the other hand, is where an alienating parent naively or intentionally and systematically attempts to negatively influence the child’s relationship with the other parent, often leading to the complete breakdown of that relationship. The problem with simply claiming ‘parental alienation’ against the other parent is that it may oversimplify the actual reasons a child refuses to spend time with one parent. The other problem is that parenting experts are hesitant to address the issue of potential ‘parenting alienation’ without a complete bilateral (ie. Practice Note 8) assessment of the whole parental, family and school situation. 

The “Refuse / Resist Dynamic”

But could there be another reason (aside from ‘parental estrangement’ or ‘parental alienation’) as to why a child may prefer to spend more time with one parent than the other or limited or no time with one parent after the parents separate? Yes. Another term that is increasingly being heard to try to explain this behaviour by the child is the ‘refuse / resist dynamic”. This term describes when a child actively resists or refuses contact with a parent because of the rejected parent’s behaviour (as opposed to the alienating parent’s behaviour), including the behaviours of domestic violence, child abuse, poor and emotionally intense parenting styles (ie. overly strict, immature, emotionally distant, substance abuse, etc.) or lack of prior attachment with the rejected parent. Here, the child may logically and understandably prefer to spend more parenting time with the favoured parent not due to natural estrangement but because of the poor parenting abilities and conduct of the rejected parent.

Research has found that many factors may contribute to why a child actively ‘refuses and resists’ parenting time with a parent, including (see: Fidler and Bala, Family Court Review, Vol, 58, No 2, April 2020):

1. Communication;
2. Child factors (age, cognitive abilities, etc.);
3. Parental conflict (before and after separation);
4. Sibling relationships (positive and negative);
5. Preferred parent factors (negative beliefs, behaviours, personality disorders);
6. Rejected parent factors (negative beliefs, behaviours, personality disorders);
7. The adversarial Court process (‘Litigation Abuse’);
8. Third parties (such as professionals and family members aligned with one “side”);
9. Lack of functional co-parenting, poor or conflictual parental styles.

“Parental estrangement”. “Parental alienation”. Now “refuse / resist dynamic”. All terms family law lawyers hear raised all the time by separating and divorcing parents (particularly in high-conflict parenting situations) when a child does not want to spend time with one parent. But the real question (no matter the term used) is: how do you deal with this situation? Some options (depending on the severity of the situation) include:

● Counselling – the child may at least be requested to attend counselling to encourage them to spend time with the other parent;

● Psychological and Therapeutic Interventions – sessions between the child and both parents (separately) to encourage and assist reconciliation with the other parent, and;

● Vary Legal Parenting Arrangement – in the most serious situations, the rejected parent (and the Courts) may consider changing the parenting arrangement to encourage (ie. force) greater parenting time between the child and the rejected parent. In the most extreme situation, Courts may order a complete reversal of parenting time, including (any combination of) primary residence with the rejected parent, limited contact with the favoured parent (at least for a brief period of time), and continued involvement of parenting professionals (counsellors, therapists, psychologists, etc.).

Whatever options are chosen, one thing is clear: when a child starts to demonstrate a reluctance (or refusal) to spend parenting time with both parents as the parents agree (or the Court orders), early intervention by the parents, parenting experts or the Courts is necessary to prevent further deterioration of the relationship with the rejected parent. Failure to act promptly can lead to long-term emotional harm for the child and complicate efforts to rebuild the damaged parent-child bond. It’s important for parents to recognize custody battle mistakes to avoid, such as alienating the other parent or involving the child in adult disputes, as these behaviors can exacerbate the situation. Prioritizing the child’s emotional well-being and seeking professional guidance can make a significant difference in restoring a healthy family dynamic.

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